As a reminder, Wednesdays are for creative work and Saturdays are for everything else, including blog updates. However, seeing as this post regards a story of mine, particularly my attempt at a chronologically updating online story Crossing the Line, I thought it fitting to post it today.
I struggle a lot with commitment. I start projects endlessly, never finish them. I decide on to read or play something and get distracted. I say I’ll show up to an event – and I do! – but I realize last minute that I would rather do something else. Even my hobbies and interests, I get incredibly invested and keep going until I burn out.
The one consistency in my life has been a passion for creative writing. That’s how I know that this is something that I genuinely want to do.
For this purpose, one of the reasons I started this blog was to keep myself accountable, so that I actually do make a habit of writing. I starting posting a novel idea, Crossing the Line, because I thought that making it publicly available would keep me accountable. And because of who I am as a person, when evidence started showing up that this was not the case, I began to think “No, this is just me trying to convince myself to give up on a commitment again.”
I have difficulty determining for myself when I should stick with a commitment and when I should reconsider. This is often because I am very, very good at making up excuses to be lazy and making myself believe it. If I don’t remain vigilant and question my own motivations, I won’t get anything done at all, and I won’t even feel guilty about it because I’ve justified it to myself.
However, in this particular instance, I think I’ve genuinely learned something about myself as both a person and an aspiring writer.
Initially, Crossing the Line was a story I didn’t care about. It was just for fun, and because of that, I thought I could easily just post it online to the public without a care, using it as an exercise to keep myself writing in a steady, chronological order. However, now it is the novel that I aim to publish first. Unexpectedly, this silly excuse for a murder story has become something with meaning and a message, and because of that, the idea of posting its unpolished rough draft has become daunting.
I realized this quite early on, but I was still unsure whether this was truth or a lie I was telling myself to get out of yet another self-imposed obligation. To figure it out, I decided to try continuing my draft without the dread of posting it to this blog in a dissatisfying state. My writer’s block has all but vanished.
And so, for the sake of this story, I have determined that I should stop promising to upload Crossing the Line to this blog. It was a worthy commitment, but for the sake for the story – and this blog! – I need to let it go. The reason I missed so many Wednesday posts or used poetry as filler is also because I was hoping to post Crossing the Line before I do anything new. Clearly that didn’t work out, and I have now realized that it would never work out. If anything, my attempts to cling to a commitment that wasn’t working had become an excuse for further procrastination.
After some thought, I have decided that, seeing as I have some time this summer, I will come of with a lighter story, without so much heavy meaning, that I will post online instead. I do not yet know what the replacement will be, but in this way I hope to revitalize my commitment to this blog over the summer without compromising my comfort or the quality of my hopeful manuscript.
I hope you look forward to it, and I thank everyone for their support as I drag myself down the long, long road to publication.