In some ways, I feel that a blog is more personal than a diary. At least, that’s the case for me. Perhaps I think that way just because I don’t have a diary, but for me the mix of availability and anonymity gives my blog a candid honesty that I would never have in a diary. Maybe that’s because I’m the type to internalize negativity and process them on my own, so my diaries never had anything positive to say.
But in any case, lately I keep making the mistake of sharing my blog with people I know in reality. Three times, now, in fact. In the spur of the moment, I make the mistake of thinking, “Well, it’s public anyway. They could stumble onto it at any time, in that case,” forgetting that it would at least not have my name, face, and what they know of me attached to it.
However, I know myself well enough to have expected this, so back from the very first day I started this blog, I told myself that anyone who gets the link gets to keep the link. I can’t take it back, physically, nor can I request them not to look at it. There is nothing on this blog that I am ashamed of, after all.
My biggest fear is, really, that people who know me in reality will see this blog and think that they know me, or that they know me better. I am very controlled in my presentation of myself to other people, and so I want these people to judge me on how I behave physically around them and interact with them. Yes, this blog holds a fragment more honesty than my daily life, but that comes with the initial purpose of this blog: self-improvement, diligence, and increased understanding for my sense of self. This blog is, at heart, for me and not for anyone else, and that is why I can be so honest.
As such, I ask that the people who know me in reality not read this blog and think that they, necessarily, have a better understanding of me because you would be mistaken. You would have a better understanding of me when I am on my own, not the me that I am in your company. I assure you, they are very different people. The entire way I think is structured differently, the range of emotions I experience completely changed.I make heavy distinctions in my life because that’s just the kind of person I am, and this is simply that: another distinction.
This blog is for me, and so it is me as I am on late nights when I stare at eigengrau and sink into my thoughts. This is not me as I am as an acquaintance or a colleague or someone you hang out with. All I ask is that you respect that, and continue to judge me based on my character in your company. Me giving you the link to this blog means that you are closer to me than the vast majority of people in the world, but reading this blog will not make us closer that we are presently. There are other routes for that, and this blog is not one of them.
I’m writing this mainly to reassert to myself that just because I’ve had a little anonymity chipped away by my own hand doesn’t mean that I am going to change the content or style of this blog. I will continue to write candidly as it suits me without working myself about impending judgement from those in my life away from the computer. I trust that anyone who I have, even unintentionally, gifted this blog to, will be able to respect this boundary of mine.
In any case, enough of that drivel – let’s see where I’m at with my work:
I am 4/4 with my Short Story a Week Challenge! Honestly, it should not be such an accomplishment to share four short stories with you folks in a month, but apparently it is. Hopefully there will come a time when it’s mostly second-nature.
This Month’s Goals:
Honestly, I have yet to strike the best balance of schoolwork, extracurriculars, and personal projects. Right now, my goal would be to discover and maintain that balance. Of those, however, most important to me is that I continue to write a short story a week, no matter what. It doesn’t have to be great, but it has to be finished. I will make a writer out of myself, yet.